Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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