Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
