That's when you crack a 10am beer
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
