it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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