they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
