mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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