it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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