Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
