There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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