She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
