I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
