Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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