it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
