did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
