i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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