how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
