I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
