No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
