6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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