I'm gonna have a badass scar
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
