I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
