I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
