So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
