Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
