Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
