there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
