i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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