you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize