i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
