my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
