it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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