You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
