census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
