I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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