On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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