College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My feet surprised me
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