dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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