Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
