Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize