The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
