Swine flu. Run for my life!
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
