I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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