Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
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