you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
