Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
