the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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