I cockslap morals
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
