really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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