Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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