I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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