yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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