omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize