dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Found your dick twin last night
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
