Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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