My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Randomize
