He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
