no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
