oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
