just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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