if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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