I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
