So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
