Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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