Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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